Back in the ATL!

 Reunited!

Despite some crazy challenges in checking out of FPC Pensacola and the fact that the BOP did not take into consideration the time zone change  (losing an  hour) for his travel time, thanks to Mr. Robbie Ball, Michael made it to the Atlanta halfway house 30 minutes early! 30 minutes that we were able to spend together!  Due to the beneficence of the BOP (a nice way of saying "completely unorganized"), we were able to have an additional 2 1/2 hours together before he was shown to his dorm.  Only God can work those kind of things out for you! Michael and I both had happy tears and it was such a relief to see him well.  True to BOP form, he did not have all the information he was to have been given but it will be easy things to remedy: liquid laundry detergent, rolls of quarters for the phone (probably last place in the USA that has a pay phone LOL!), mesh or clear bag for his personal items, etc.  Unfortunately the left hand still does not know what the right hand is doing, so no clear time frame for his first pass ("maybe next Monday or sometime after that" - almost as bad as listening to a meteorologist! no offense to the meteorologically inclined) or home confinement eligibility. But the good news is he can have visitors right away, every Sunday from 12 - 3pm, and holiday visits at their discretion.  He can also receive mail which can be addressed to:  Michael Shaw 62166-019, Dismas Charities, 300 Wendell Court, Atlanta, GA 30336. 

We sincerely thank you for all of your support and prayers and ask that you still keep us in your thoughts. We ask you to specifically pray for Michael's new situation and that he may continue to be a blessing to others.  Mr. Ball was kind enough to ask before he left, if I needed anything and that if I did to just ask him.  I was too overcome to say this earlier, so I tell you now: Mr. Ball, thank you for bringing me the only thing I needed...my husband.

The End is Always Just Another Beginning

All month I have been trying to decide what to write. Michael is scheduled to transfer to a halfway house November 8th. All is in order and he sounds so upbeat and is understandably ready to leave Pensacola.  But as the days count down, my anxiety ramps up.  I will get to see him for a little bit to give him the documents he needs for his check-in. It will be 8 months since I drove him to Pensacola. My head is crowded with "what ifs" and worry that he will be so changed that he will not need or want me, or that there may not be room for me in the new life he wants to build. (Cue Beatles, "When I'm 64") So I am trying to send those self-doubts away and hope that if you have a minute on Tuesday, November 8th, that you will think of us and pray.  I am holding onto the plan I know God has for me and sometimes it is just barely.  But God is faithful in His promises even when and especially when I am weak. I am excited about the positive changes Michael has made and am in prayer for the new challenges he will face in his new beginning at the halfway house. And I am focusing on 1 Peter 5:6-7: "Humble yourself, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (NIV)  So if you hear me singing, "I cast all my cares upon You, I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet, And anytime I don't know just what to do, I will cast all my cares upon You," know that I am believing it too. (Don't you just love the oldies but goodies worship songs! I love the contemporary ones too but wished churches would bring some of the ones I grew up on back!)

Have a great end of October!

Heidi

Unanswered Prayers

That title probably grabbed your attention but not in the way I intended. I love music. I especially love how lyrics find the words for you when you cannot.  Cleaning today I came across some mixed tapes from college - this completely dates me but mixed tapes are definitely a lost art. One of them had country songs on it from undergrad, circa boots, line dancing and Garth Brooks. (Oh Garth, what was up with Chris Gaines? You could have crossed over into rock without the crazy cosplay!) The lyric that made me think was, "I thank God for unanswered prayers" and though that sounds counterintuitive, I really do thank God for unanswered prayers.  Can you imagine what you life would be like if all your prayers were answered? Of course, you say, it would be great! Not really. Remember praying for the right girl or guy to notice/be with you? Well now can you imagine having all those significant others - at the same time? Married people who are honest will tell that one is quite enough sometimes.  Or praying for things or skills. You would have missed all of the experience mistakes and learning bring.

My recent unanswered prayer was prayed at the beginning of this year. I did not want to in effect "lose my husband" and have my life as I had built it crash around me. (Problem #1: "I" built not God. Now am happy to let Him have that job!)  I cried desperately to God to fix it even while not feeling as if it could really be happening to me.  The most well-meaning but completely useless phrase I have been told has been, "It will be over before you know it." Yes maybe in hindsight and definitely for you but not when you live it everyday. I am glad in a way that it has been slow because I have learned an astounding amount of things about me and made many positive changes.  A friend of mine is a songwriter (probably the greatest one you have never heard of, but I may be biased) and shared a song with me. This is the lyric that I love, "It's been some time since I've been free. It's been awhile since I've been me. I don't know where to go or who I should be. So help me find my way..."  It has been awhile since I have been free and I definitely needed to find me. The most free I have ever felt is now, after I have given everything to God and am released from the pressure of making things work.  Now I just trust and am happy each day that I wake up. Another part of the song is this, "These times are hard and it weighs on me.  This road is long and slow is my speed. And I don't know where it goes or who I am going to be. So help me find my way."  I am glad for the slow speed because sometimes I really need it to learn. And as long as God knows the way and who He wants me to be, I am content.

So I am thankful for unanswered prayers and answered prayers, but specifically that there is a God who is in control and sees the bigger picture. That there is an order to the universe (even pure science can confirm this) and that there is a reason and a purpose that God sees, especially when we don't.  And God does not owe us an explanation for what He does. "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens - what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave - what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea. If He comes along and confines you in a prison and convenes a court - who can oppose Him?...Yet if you devote your heart to Him and stretch out your hands to Him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope." Job 11:7-18

I am thankful that God sees my purpose and I know that each day I wake up that purpose is still being fulfilled. That doesn't mean that I'll never have struggles or questions. Our lives will always be filled with those. But the peace of God comes from knowing that there's an order in the universe and there is a reason for whatever happens, even if only God can see it. We must trust Him. "To God belong wisdom and power. Counsel and understanding are His."  Job 12:13

To those of you who celebrate it and even those who don't, Happy New Year! I love the traditions that surround welcoming new years and like the Kabbalist view that Rosh Hashanah is the seed of the coming year, as is creating and planting seeds for the coming year.  I also like that it is a time for renewal because who doesn't need that! So Shana Tova Umetukah (a good and sweet year) and may your year be filled with seeds of blessings and happiness!

Heidi

Carpe Diem or See It, Feel It, Do It - Now!

This summer Madison and I have been in Florida, staying with my family. It has been so nice to spend time with them; visit Michael's parents and sister; and catch up with old friends. Free childcare is pretty great too! Madison and I have been so blessed by kindness from our family, people we think of as family and even people we have never even met. It is amazing and we are so appreciative! It has been a great way to reinforce this teaching for her that this is how we treat others. This has also been an area that I want to improve on too and so my thought each day is "How can I become a kinder person?" 
     Summer tends to be a season during which everything slows down and it made me realize this is central to becoming a kinder person.  "Love suffers long and is kind." 1 Corinthians 13:4. To be kind, first you start seeing the needs of people around you. To see people's needs, you have to slow down. Madison is learning the story of the Good Samaritan to illustrate kindness. If you'll remember, a man was mugged and left for dead. Two religious persons, a priest and a Levite passed him but did not stop. A Samaritan passed by and despite their ethnic differences, stopped and took care of the man. Luke 10:33 says, "But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was. And when he saw him, he had compassion.
     The second thing is sympathizing with people's pain. Another version of Luke 10:33(AMP) says, "when he saw him, he was moved with pity and sympathy [for him].  The best way for me to do this is close my mouth, open my ears, and listen.  Sometimes hard for me to remember because I really enjoy talking, just as my Dad. He says my mom and I can "yap, yap, yap" all day on the phone, every day of the week!
     Third, I am going to seize the moment! Carpe Diem is one of my favorite Latin phrases (little nuggets of knowledge when you take 4 years of high school Latin and 2 years of college Latin along with: agricola, agricolae, etc) even before Dead Poets Society made that and Walt Whitman mainstream (O! Captain, my Captain!). "Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them.  Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him." Luke 10:34 The Samaritan walked approximately 20 miles to that inn, leading his donkey with the injured man. You really begin to notice a lot when you are the one walking 20 miles and your perception changes from just whizzing by on your donkey. I endeavor to slow down and walk those 20 miles with others, with my mouth shut, ... um... mostly! I will try to the view "interruptions" to my life as divine opportunities instead.
     Finally I must spend whatever it takes and that includes something extremely valuable, my time.  "The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, 'Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I'll pay you the next time I am here.'" Luke 10:35 It takes risk to be kind and it can come with rejection. Kindness costs, for you must make an investment in someone else. I am ready to make that investment and enjoy the results that slowing down and creating a new community bring! May this kind of  "summer" last throughout my life!
     Before I embark on this new awareness, I am reminded of what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 about love. Specifically if I do not live a life of love,
1.  Nothing I say will matter.  "If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." 1 Corinthians 13:1
2.  Nothing I know will matter. "If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge...but didn't love others, I would be nothing." 1Corinthians 13:2
3.  Nothing I believe will matter.  "If I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2
4.  Nothing I give will matter. "If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing." 1Corinthians 13:3
5.  Nothing I accomplish will matter. "So no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." 1 Corinthians. 13:3

So I remember that kindness cannot exist without love. This reminds me of how I always feel when I volunteer at a bereavement camp as a camp counselor. I always arrive at the beginning of the weekend fairly bursting with what I want to give but at the end am humbled by how much I receive. I am sure this will be the same with my kindness quest! Happy Summer!

Happy 4th of July!

Happy Birthday America!



     The picture above is of Madison getting ready to take a July 4th picnic dinner to her great grandmother in the hospital.  Madison and I took the opportunity to spend time in Florida with family and during our stay our Ome had emergent hip surgery.  God is so incredible and good! We were able to be there with her for the surgery and help afterwards during her hospital stay, inpatient rehab and then at home.  I have always been a firm believer that God can take the choices we make and create something wonderful if we let Him. I did not intend to ever work in health care and definitely not at a hospital, but I ended up doing physical therapy in a hospital and loved it, especially wound care. The outcomes for persons aged 80 and older after a hip surgery are generally grim, but Ome did great. The hospital she was at was not as aggressive with therapy as where I practiced but I have never been really shy, so Madison and I took over her therapy right away. (The case manager walked in and told us we needed to consider total care facilities for her. So proud of my cousin, a nurse, who calmly explained to her that Ome lives independently and walked into the hospital with a walker on a broken leg to have the surgery. And that she would be returning to her home. Another fun fact: not only is my cousin a nurse at this hospital, but so is my aunt and my mother. The poor lady really had no chance to not get well and walk out of there!) No bedpans for her - she hates them! - transfers to bedside commodes instead. Lots of exercise with counting in the wonderfully loud voice only a three year old can manage, and walks in the hallway.  Ome has fragile skin and came to surgery with a large skin tear that was beginning to heal, but also received two others during surgery. So we took care of those too and Madison is now proficient at wound assessment and vocabulary. So fun to hear her report to Ome her healing status. And it made me remember how much I love wound care and helping others! Unfortunately parenting does not come with regular evaluations to tell you how good you do something and give you a raise to reward you. I would not trade my rewards of kisses or watching Madison grow and learn, but it was fun to use other skills too!

Even though you cannot see it in the midst of your dark hour, God really is there and working for you! I would have never taken the opportunity to spend this much time with my family all at once had I not been single parenting for 5 months and accepted my parent's offer to come home for a little while.  I had my "pitcher" refilled and in turn was able to help my grandmother and let my daughter know her great grandmother better! Little things like this help me see the sun for the clouds and remind me that God is on my side. Hope your July 4th was just as fun and family filled!

Post Script

True story regarding wanting something tangible to know God's will. When I would sit for standardized tests in high school, PSAT, SAT, and ACT, we took them in the school cafeteria.  When I got to the section asking for intended major during the intro where you bubbled in your name, etc., I would always wait for the answer from God.  I am being completely honest! I would even sit as close as I could to a window to help Him out a little. I figured He could just send one sunbeam to the perfect little circle.  It never happened and I would hastily just fill in Business each time.  I don't know how I got such a literal interpretation of how God was supposed to manifest His will in my life, but I would do it every time.  I was a little panicked about what I should choose for the Rest Of My Life (that's how things feel in High School!) and figured that God had the plan and now was the time to reveal! Obviously once arriving at college and even graduating, I now know that it did not really matter what I bubbled in because you can change your mind until your last breath!

Secondly, if you have not read or reread Exodus or the Pentateuch for that matter, you should really do it! I know, I know, lots of lists, begets, and crazy rules that you cannot understand how anyone could follow. But it really is amazing! Exodus really makes me see just how closely we were formed in God's image. I can totally understand God's frustration with these people that He delivered and kept delivering for.  I really think God has a sense of humor. "Ok, so you are complaining about having no meat and you would have rather died in Egypt because at least they had quail. Fine. I'll give you quail and then we will see how much you like it!" or "Moses! What can they possibly be complaining about now? They have food, water, riches, and even their clothes and shoes do not wear out - yes, I do think about Mothers with many children! - What else could they possibly want. Just enjoy the view and relax!" And when God tells Moses that the Israelites are his [Moses'] people - "What are YOUR people complaining about now?" Just like telling your significant other, "YOUR child(ren) did (fill in the blank) today," because MY child(ren) certainly would have better manners, etc."  The Israelites were the original whiners (actually maybe that was Adam, but he was a blamer too! "The woman made me do it!"); could you just see God thinking, "Can I get you a nice goat cheese to go with that whine?" (Ok, maybe not really. And to be fair, had I been there I would be right in the middle of it, doing the same thing.  How complacent we become when surrounded by great things! "Last time I saw Yahweh, I AM that I AM? I watched Him fill the Holy of Holies just the other day. Cloud so thick you could not even see through it!" Could you just imagine! I would just fall down on my face on the floor. How awesome!)  I can relate to doing something over and over again for someone and not getting the recognition. (Motherhood, marriage, friendship, etc!) And some of the things they do too! Like Aaron when confronted about making the golden calf by Moses. "Moses, it just jumped right out of the fire like that!"  Right... God's capacity to love and forgive us is unending. And He would do it all again for us.  So happy that He sacrificed His only Son for my salvation. (It definitely beats the do-it-yourself animal sacrifice in more ways than one! Imagine that on your check-off list for the day! And the PETA people - oh my!)  So glad that my God is a God of second chances!


*disclaimer: my opinions only! Now I really reduced the readership of this blog to my parents who have to love me anyway since they made me!=)

3 Months!

The best way out is always through. Robert Frost

It is amazing that we are "through" 3 months and starting the fourth!  It has not been without hiccups but has been doable by the grace of God.  Madison and I started June with the stomach flu and I can fully appreciate now having an extra person around just simply for the option of running to the store! But God provides! We had everything we needed to be housebound for a week and plenty of wonderful neighbors who offered help. That really made me feel loved and cared for!  I also realized, especially when reading my Bible about the miracles God performed, that I miss God in the small things like a pantry filled with what I needed to care for Madison. I tend to look for the pillar of cloud/pillar of fire (Exodus) to know where to move next and where to stay. (How great would that be in life if that was all we had to watch to know what God wanted us to do? I can say with the power of hindsight that the wandering Israelites did not know how good they had it! Thirsty? Go talk to a rock. Hungry? Bread of Life on the ground in the morning. Meat? More quail than you have recipes for - as an aside, those little birds are great marinated in Italian dressing then grilled. Need to know God? He sends fire from heaven and fills your worship place with tangible cloud. Not sure what he wants you to do? Just follow the fire and the cloud. But do not lose your trust in Him and mutiny, because He will cause the ground to open and swallow you and your extended family up! Can you just imagine the talk around the camp after that, especially by those who had married away? "I told you your side of the family was crazy!")  I want to be filled with God's Presence but being very human I also like the "big show" so I really, really know what I should be doing instead of listening to quiet voices.  I am a work in progress!

Michael is becoming quite the proficient baker. I continue to be thankful as the weather warms up that he can work indoors.  The monotony and sameness of each day sometimes gets to him but he realizes he is fortunate to be where he is.  He was the recipient of a summer haircut this weekend; a product of some of his coworkers and CO teasing him about shaving his head and telling the inmate who cuts hair that was what he wanted.  Unfortunately you don't see what your hair looks like until you are done and despite asking for a trim, Michael received a very, very, very close buzz cut.  For those of you that know him well, since his hair line has been receding, he is sensitive about haircuts.  This was very humbling and he was understandably upset! But hair grows back (even though they teased him and told them it probably would not!) and Michael is learning very valuable character lessons that he probably did not want to learn!  At least he will not have to that person cut his hair for a very, very, very long time!

Madison and I are excited for June! Madison is learning how to swim and loves the water. We are blessed to be in a neighborhood that has a pool and she loves meeting her friends there.  The past 21 months have really impressed upon me the seasons of change (Ecclesiastes 3 or a song by The Byrds, depending on how you grew up =)!) and this month especially! We will be saying good-bye to good friends and neighbors across the street, Madison's best friend, who are moving to a different state for a new job. But we also will be welcoming a new little baby next door, who we cannot wait to hold and love on.  I am grateful for a God who sustains me through all things and the wonderful people He puts in my life!

Happy beginning of summer!

Heidi