That title probably grabbed your attention but not in the way I intended. I love music. I especially love how lyrics find the words for you when you cannot. Cleaning today I came across some mixed tapes from college - this completely dates me but mixed tapes are definitely a lost art. One of them had country songs on it from undergrad, circa boots, line dancing and Garth Brooks. (Oh Garth, what was up with Chris Gaines? You could have crossed over into rock without the crazy cosplay!) The lyric that made me think was, "I thank God for unanswered prayers" and though that sounds counterintuitive, I really do thank God for unanswered prayers. Can you imagine what you life would be like if all your prayers were answered? Of course, you say, it would be great! Not really. Remember praying for the right girl or guy to notice/be with you? Well now can you imagine having all those significant others - at the same time? Married people who are honest will tell that one is quite enough sometimes. Or praying for things or skills. You would have missed all of the experience mistakes and learning bring.
My recent unanswered prayer was prayed at the beginning of this year. I did not want to in effect "lose my husband" and have my life as I had built it crash around me. (Problem #1: "I" built not God. Now am happy to let Him have that job!) I cried desperately to God to fix it even while not feeling as if it could really be happening to me. The most well-meaning but completely useless phrase I have been told has been, "It will be over before you know it." Yes maybe in hindsight and definitely for you but not when you live it everyday. I am glad in a way that it has been slow because I have learned an astounding amount of things about me and made many positive changes. A friend of mine is a songwriter (probably the greatest one you have never heard of, but I may be biased) and shared a song with me. This is the lyric that I love, "It's been some time since I've been free. It's been awhile since I've been me. I don't know where to go or who I should be. So help me find my way..." It has been awhile since I have been free and I definitely needed to find me. The most free I have ever felt is now, after I have given everything to God and am released from the pressure of making things work. Now I just trust and am happy each day that I wake up. Another part of the song is this, "These times are hard and it weighs on me. This road is long and slow is my speed. And I don't know where it goes or who I am going to be. So help me find my way." I am glad for the slow speed because sometimes I really need it to learn. And as long as God knows the way and who He wants me to be, I am content.
So I am thankful for unanswered prayers and answered prayers, but specifically that there is a God who is in control and sees the bigger picture. That there is an order to the universe (even pure science can confirm this) and that there is a reason and a purpose that God sees, especially when we don't. And God does not owe us an explanation for what He does. "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens - what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave - what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea. If He comes along and confines you in a prison and convenes a court - who can oppose Him?...Yet if you devote your heart to Him and stretch out your hands to Him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope." Job 11:7-18
I am thankful that God sees my purpose and I know that each day I wake up that purpose is still being fulfilled. That doesn't mean that I'll never have struggles or questions. Our lives will always be filled with those. But the peace of God comes from knowing that there's an order in the universe and there is a reason for whatever happens, even if only God can see it. We must trust Him. "To God belong wisdom and power. Counsel and understanding are His." Job 12:13
To those of you who celebrate it and even those who don't, Happy New Year! I love the traditions that surround welcoming new years and like the Kabbalist view that Rosh Hashanah is the seed of the coming year, as is creating and planting seeds for the coming year. I also like that it is a time for renewal because who doesn't need that! So Shana Tova Umetukah (a good and sweet year) and may your year be filled with seeds of blessings and happiness!
Heidi
